The Aftermath
by fc2001
Summary: I wrote all these poems in the days following Lucy's death - it preyed on my mind a bit. I've finally decided it's time to unleash them. I'm prepared to take much criticism for this..so go ahead, r/r
1. Default Chapter

So this is some of the (occasionally over the top and slightly dodgy) poetry I felt compelled to write after Lucy died. It's been hanging around for ages and I just decided to do something with it at last. I'm well prepared to be completely slated for this. The idea of the first two is that they answer each other - well, in some ways anyway. This first one is Lucy's POV.  
  
The Sound Of Silence  
  
For what I'm about to say  
I make no apology  
I hate you now  
And I always will  
Where I am  
That's no shallow threat  
I'll never leave you  
Never let you go  
Why should I?  
Why should your suffering end?  
Mine never will  
It left a hole in you the day I died  
The hole in me is a chasm  
I was so near to all I wanted  
Yet so far away as well  
You think your pain is unbearable  
Try bottling it up for 24 years  
Try never saying what you really feel  
For fear of hurting someone else  
Try always being the sweet one  
The blonde one, the pretty one  
Try dying before you've had a chance   
To put the wrong right  
Try leaving the world without doing yourself justice  
Without making yourself proud  
I pleased other people  
I trained to do the very same  
Second nature to me  
I ignore the first  
The instinct to follow what I felt  
Till eventually I died from  
My own good nature, my own damned niceness  
So maybe I don't blame you as such  
Maybe I know there is nothing you could have done  
And I realise you can't change things now  
But I hate you  
I do, so much it burns and hurts  
Even in death  
I hate you with a passion you never even knew I had  
Because you never stopped to find out  
You never knew me  
And that's what hurts the most  
I know, believe me, because it's killing me too  
I ache, as much as I can, for all we could have been  
For all I could have been and never was  
It's not your fault  
Yet I need you to hurt  
Because as long as you hurt you remember  
And as long as you remember  
I'm not truly dead  
I can't be  
If I'm living in your head.  



	2. Falling Apart

It was designed to either be the question or the answer to Lucy's monologue (previous poem). It came out kinda wrong I guess. Carter's POV.  
  
Falling Apart  
  
For God's sakes leave me  
Let me be  
I know what I've done  
All that's wrong  
With the way things are now  
Stop haunting with me  
Breathing with me my every breath  
Stop living for me  
Controlling what's inside my head  
I know I wronged you  
God, it hurt me too  
Don't you think I hurt enough?  
Can't you see the pain?  
I didn't want you to die that way  
It was my fault  
I realised that long ago  
No one can convince me otherwise  
I don't know why  
Everything I see is still you  
Every object, every person  
Holds too many memories to bear  
It all floods back  
The room, the blood, the words I said  
I couldn't even be nice to you  
Could I?  
I ask myself why all the time  
There are so many whys  
I feel dizzy  
And then I live it again  
And again  
It's a nightmare  
A staged vision   
But I can't escape  
Playing inside my head  
You think I don't hate myself?  
I wish I was dead  
I wish I was, more often than anyone knows  
It's the only way it'll finally be over  
The only way you'll finally leave  
The only way you'll finally find peace  
I don't hate you for dying  
The way I used to  
I wish I knew  
I wish I knew how you felt  
If you hate me  
I wouldn't be shocked if you did  
But remember before anger overtakes you  
You may be dead but I'm the one who's  
Been left behind  
The one who's left with a hole they'll never fill  
A numbness in their heart and brain  
No drugs will ever overcome  
Pain beyond belief  
A suffering perhaps more eternal than your own.  



	3. Surviving

Again, there's a question and answer idea with these two. I wasn't sure whether to include these but I decided, what the hell.  
  
Surviving  
  
Didn't see her before she died  
The moment her blue eyes closed  
I missed  
I can never get that moment back  
It's gone because she's gone  
I'm not even sure why  
I want to have been there  
I guess it would be easier  
To deal with the fact  
If I'd seen it myself  
  
Last Moments  
  
I slipped away peacefully  
You know  
Just closed my eyes  
I wouldn't have wanted you there  
Couldn't deal with your breaking heart  
As well as my own  
It's better you didn't see the end  
Take it from me I was there  
It doesn't make it easier  
Nothing can  



	4. Shut Your Eyes

Both Carter's POV. Written very shortly after the episodes. I was still highly emotional!  
  
Shut Your Eyes  
  
Squeeze my eyes shut  
But I can see her on my eyelids  
She's imprinted in all I do  
In all that I am  
  
It's not a happy image  
Tinted red, in the shadows  
A little girl, then more than ever  
Frightened, alone and dying  
  
I don't know if she heard  
The last word I said to her  
Her own name because  
I could do little more  
  
She's at every turn  
My life, every person I see  
All I see, every memory  
Leads to her  
  
Nothing Can.....  
  
Nothing can explain to me  
How my best friend, my student  
My teacher, my every thing  
Disappeared in the glint  
Of a knife blade  
Nothing can explain to me  
Why the warm person she was  
Now lies cold in the ground  
Worm food, nothing more  
Nothing can explain to me  
How something so warm, so alive  
Died by the slice of  
Cold hard steel into her  
Living, breathing chest  
How?  



	5. Life Goes On

The shortest ones - from Lucy's POV.  
  
Life Goes On  
  
Try not seeing me   
And you won't  
I was in your life  
Mere months  
Before I left  
Just try, really try  
And I'll go  
There'll be a scar  
On me too remember  
But just try  
Wish really hard  
And I'll disappear  
  
Time Will Set You Free  
  
You can get through it  
You're stronger than you think  
A better person than you think  
Take it from someone who knew you  
Take it from someone who thought she did  
  
Everybody Hurts  
  
I can't leave you  
Until you make me go  
It's not by choice I'm here  
We're both being punished   
You know 


	6. Dying Young

Dying Young  
  
The cold metal sliced  
Like I was butter  
Cutting me through  
Dicing away at my life  
Destroying all I was  
Warm blood from cold flesh flowed  
Seeping into my hand  
Holding my stomach  
Trying to hold my life in  
Desperate not to let go  
Knowing I was too weak willed  
Not to  



	7. The Best Things In Life

The Best Things In Life  
  
Life is not all fun  
Everyone has a right  
To taste all it has to offer  
To know what you missed  
No marriage, no graduation  
No children, no real home  
None of the ecstasy  
Or the agony that   
Goes hand in hand with it  
Only a cold, restless eternal  
Silence.  



	8. Cradle To Grave

This isn't directly linked to ER but it was inspired by events in said programme. I think some of this is better than the ER stuff but then again I wrote it, so that's a very personal opinion. See what you think....  
  
Cradle To Grave  
  
Rain pricks at my skin  
Rending, tearing  
Wind batters my bruised soul  
Causing me bleed  
Laying me bare  
  
Black, the velvet smothering  
The claustrophobic feeling  
Of all these people  
Their feelings mingle with mine  
But they can't know, never will  
  
The hole, bottomless, eternal  
All we don't know  
In one place  
Focussed right in front of me  
It's the end isn't it?  
  
Belonging  
  
There's something missing  
I know everyone's felt it  
Don't know where you are?  
Or where you're going?  
Nowhere to call yours?  
No one to call your own?  
Detachment, isolation  
The missing piece  
Of a dismantled jigsaw  
Long given up on  
Lost in hopelessness  
Forgotten in the mists  
Of any human mind  
  
Missing  
  
Why did he leave?  
Where did he go?  
How did he know?  
  
Why was it him?  
Where is he now?  
How did he know?  
  
Why was he chose?  
Where was he taken?  
How do I know?  
  



End file.
